I’m not sure if everyone does this but within a short amount of time spent with people, I often roll out their main issue like a good dough and then let it rest to consider it. I don’t always help or feel I should but I can’t help but see it. It’s strange to me that my own life’s problems are a complete mystery but while putting on my socks I might fully comprehend the clear, easily solvable problem of another. Surely there’s a good chance I’m dead wrong but boy does it feel spot on many times.
It was through loss of will that I begrudgingly lessened my grip on whatever stories I clung to that attempted to define my character. I’m a lot of things just like everyone but I guess that’s the whole of it, I am everyone and I am no one. So when I study others am I really studying myself?
I was thrilled to get rid of any piece of me that I still believed existed, to finally stop believing in me as a real thing. What a relief. I was terrible at being me anyway. Maybe in doing so I end up looking at others and see how some continue to work so hard on their own stories, when I know now that is fruitless.
I fall on my face constantly trying to intellectualize the concepts. I was confused because Midwestern and Mexican people are worker bees, generally. We might not be the ones to create the light bulb but you want us around to screw the thousands into their sockets that will be needed to light the world. But that’s part of my story and therefore, allegedly not true so to speak. It’s accurate but only as history not as a definition for who I truly am.
I’ve always felt nervous about being too hard on others because if I’m noticing their horribleness it must live in me as well. You can’t recognize what you don’t already know. And you can’t know something without being it in some way. I’ve always wondered about that original sin we inherited. Is it just another way of saying we are all capable of any evil that we can imagine?
I love the idea of not being someone because then you could never be lonely. Loneliness still exists and you could lay in it awhile if you chose but you don’t have to identify yourself as it. Half the thoughts that flood my mind during the day, can be tossed as completely unnecessary. It’s incredibly freeing and humbling to realize your mind is not the smartest one in the room, nor even even the smartest one in your head. It’s stunning to consider every single thing around you is alive, even your furniture. How if you let it be so, an entire room can bloom instantaneously with color and dimension without the aide of pharmaceuticals.
When I stop and breathe, say yes to right now, all the nervousness goes away, replaced by the most indescribable, beautiful calm that fills all space. And two seconds later I want to argue with someone.